Diary: On the ski slopes

That's not me in the picture

My instinct was to say no when invited to go on a skiing trip to Hemel Hempstead. It is now five years since my stroke and I have long since accepted that activities that depend on good balance are out of my league.

The trip was with Headway East London, where I've been a member for around four years. Yes, I declined, but then had second thoughts. First, I didn't like the idea of ruling out any activity that I might still be able to enjoy. Second, I had never been skiing and this was probably the best opportunity to break my duck safely, since I would be surrounded by experts who could save me if I got into trouble.

So it was off to Hemel Hempstead Snow Centre, to be kitted out in all the gear and released on to, in my case, a slope so slight that hardly warranted the name. It might have been but a marginal incline of around 0.05° but it did it's best to keep me at the bottom. Eventually, by adopting a gentle swaying motion to transfer my weight, I was able slowly to step sideways with my stronger right leg the haul my weak left leg after it. It didn't look pretty, but it got me about 3m upslope, from where I could then begin my elegant descent.

This is when the déjà vu descended. As I slid gently down that meagre slope, crouched forward as instructed, the overwhelming, uncontrollable urge to stand erect got the better of me. In doing this the skis do what they are supposed to do and pull the rug from under your feet. You tipple backwards, saved only by a last-ditch, desperate forward-wheeling of your arms to propel yourself back to a balanced position.

The experience took me back to the early stages of stroke recovery when I was learning the classic 'sit-to-stand'. In this case, the irresistible motion is forward rather than backward. As you attempt to stand from a sitting position, you feel yourself pitching dangerously forward, straight into a nosedive to the floor. Only a slow, purposeful rebuilding of your body confidence over time allows you to throw your weight forward and flex your legs to a standing position. At that moment on the ski slope in Hemel Hempstead, I could not imagine any time in the future when I had would have the confidence to hold my position without fear.

But because I know what I know from past experience, skiing IS something I might one day be capable of. The real question is whether I want to.